Tobacco Terminology Truthiness

The following are all species and varieties of the tobacco plant. Only the common names and warnings have been changed to protect the infamous.

Scientific Name	Common Name	Warning
Nicotiana acuminate	dullard’s tobacco	Provides greater acumen (not)
Nicotiana alata	overboard tobacco	Makes you smoke a lot
Nicotiana attenuate	not-so-hot tobacco	Reduces your effectiveness
Nicotiana clevelandii	Cleveland tobacco	Makes you think you live in Cleveland
Nicotiana excelsior	bad-move tobacco	Makes you call your ex on their cell phone
Nicotiana forgetiana	whatchamacallit tobacco	Makes you, um, something . . . what was the question?
Nicotiana glauca	blind tobacco	Gives you glaucoma
Nicotiana glutinosa	way-too-much tobacco	Makes you a glutton
Nicotiana langsdorffii	Langsdorff's tobacco	Makes you want to be named Langsdorff
Nicotiana longiflora	fainting tobacco	Makes you lie down on a long floor
Nicotiana obtusifolia	thick-headed tobacco	Makes you obtuse
Nicotiana obtusifolia var. obtusifolia	super-thick-headed tobacco	Makes you really, really obtuse
Nicotiana obtusifolia var. palmeri	thick-headed palming tobacco	Makes you so obtuse you think you are a sleight-of-hand artist
Nicotiana paniculata	ack! tobacco	Makes you panic
Nicotiana plumbaginifolia	Tex-Mex tobacco	Insert your own joke here, this is for real
Nicotiana quadrivalvis	cardio tobacco	Makes you eligible for quadruple bypass surgery
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. bigelovii	cardiologist-retirement-fund tobacco	Makes you eligible for quadruple bypass surgery with all the extras
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. quadrivalvis	relapsed cardio tobacco	Makes you eligible for a second quadruple bypass surgery
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. wallacei	Wallace’s cardio tobacco	Makes you delirious thinking you are Wallace from Wallace from Gromit
Nicotiana repanda	China zoo tobacco	Makes you want to revisit pandas
Nicotiana rustica	rustic tobacco	Makes you think you live in the country
Nicotiana suaveolens	shampoo tobacco	Makes you need Suave for oily hair
Nicotiana sylvestris	Sylvester’s tobacco	Makes you want to eat talking canaries
Nicotiana tabacum	kitten's tobacco	Makes you call for tabby cats
Nicotiana tomentosa	minty-breath tobacco	Makes you go find the nearest source of Mentos
Nicotiana trigonophylla var. trigonophylla	desert tobacco	Makes you like to do trigonometry again and again
Nicotiana velutina	translucent tobacco	Makes you want to make lots of tiny fancy invitations with vellum inserts
Nicotiana sanderae	carpenter’s tobacco	Makes you want to use a sander