The following are imagined news stories relating the saga of what would have happened if certain famous movie characters had not managed to follow a convoluted series of events or get out of impossible situations.
Indiana Jones
BEDFORD, CONNECTICUT—The Chancellor of Marshall College announced today that Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Professor of Archaeology, was killed during an expedition to Peru in an attempt to find the Golden Idol of Fertility, which is thought to be in the lost Temple of the Cachapoyan Warriors. Jones's remains were found in a remote part of the Peruvian jungle, apparently having been crushed by an enormous ball of stone. Local officials, who were not informed of the expedition and believe Jones to have been attempting to smuggle cultural artifacts out of the country illegally, consider the matter closed. Jock Lindsey, a pilot who had been chartered to take Jones in and out of Peru and who had witnessed the grisly scene, told reporters that it appeared to him that the ball of stone had emanated from a cavern that Jones had been exploring. He also indicated that the ball of stone seemed to be man-made. Peruvian authorities have closed off the area, and no further expeditions will be allowed.
Star Wars
TATOOINE—Tusken raider attacks have become even more brazen this past week, with an attack on the moisture farm of Owen Lars. His charred remains, along with those of his wife Beru Lars and their nephew Luke Skywalker, were found at their homestead yesterday. Recently, authorities had also discovered a Jawa droid transport that had been brutally attacked, with the entire Jawa crew slaughtered. In response, the Hutts promised a crackdown on the Tusken to ensure the safety of the cities and outlying communities.
CORUSCANT—The Emperor has announced that the so-called rebellion has been utterly destroyed. A stronghold of rebel forces on one of Yavin's moons was destroyed. No details of the battle were provided to reporters, but survivors have been taken into custody. Public hearings and executions are scheduled for later this week..
Harry Potter
The Daily Prophet has reported that tragedy struck at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last night. It appears that the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter, along with two other students, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger, were killed by a troll that had rampaged through the school until the school's faculty were able to subdue the creature outside one of the lavatories. Just how the troll was able to get onto school grounds is being investigated by the Ministry of Magic. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore could not be reached for comment at this time, however eyewitnesses have attested to the Headmaster being particularly despondent over the tragedy.
Superman
METROPOLIS—General Zod, the new ruler of the Earth, has announced to the world that Kal-El, son of Jor-El, known to humanity as Superman, has been executed. General Zod revealed that Superman had secretly been living as Clark Kent, reporter for the Daily Planet. Reportedly, Superman had permanently renounced his powers in order to be with Lois Lane, his partner at the Planet. General Zod had lured Superman from hiding by capturing Lane from the Daily Planet offices. Superman later attempted to intervene on Lane's behalf but was captured in the process. He, along with Lane, were then summarily executed on national television.
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