Politics of Today Applied to Yesterday

Mistranslations: How Not to Install a Car Seat

Instructions for how to install a child's car seat translated by Bing from English to another language and then back into English. The more, ah, interesting translations follow :)

1. Once you have selected an acceptable seating location, place the car seat so that it is facing the rear of the vehicle. Make sure the handle is in the car seat position.

1. When you have chosen to address in court cases, the car seat facing it is the car driving. Make sure the handle is in the rear at the same. (Hmong Daw)

Maybe the judge can figure out how to install the seat properly... 


2. Fit the vehicle belt through the belt path slots in the top sides of the car seat.

2. S and are sinners bandage vehicle waist connecteurs Of in that part the top de la car seat. (Haitian Creole)

Whoa, whoa! What kind of car seat is this, anyway??

3. Buckle the vehicle belt.

3. influenza vaccine use. (Hmong Daw)

Good advice, but couldn't it wait until *after* the car seat is installed?


4. With the vehicle belt buckled, pull the vehicle shoulder belt just until the back of the car seat begins to rise.

4. with the collapsed car, pull the shoulder belt to the back of the car seat begins to rise. (Hebrew)

Who knew that a car seat could inflate a car? 

5. After tightening the vehicle belt system, make sure the correct position indicator is parallel with the floor of your vehicle. If the car seat is too inclined, your child will be too upright, allowing your child’s head to droop forward.

5. tighten the vehicle belt system, make sure that the correct position indicator is parallel with the floor of your vehicle. If the car seat is also willing to further dwindle your baby your baby's head will be also honest. (Hindi)

I don't think car seats that dwindle babies would be a big seller, even if it kept babies honest (they aren't usually big on subterfuge anyway).

6. If you are using a vehicle seating location equipped with a shoulder belt, you must use only one locking clip on the car seat to prevent the vehicle belt system from loosening during use. With the vehicle belt system tight, fit the shoulder belt into the locking clip above the vehicle belt system buckle.

6. If you are using the vehicle seat location with the shoulder belt, you must use only one clip that lock on the car seat belt system to prevent vehicles from flexibility during use. With the vehicle belt system tight, shoulder belt lock Speech clips on a vehicle belt buckle system. (Malay)

Yeah, better make sure to use that one clip, because a car being "flexible" during use does sound like a bad idea. Oh, and what are these speech clips? Can they be used on older kids to keep from getting into arguments? That would be very handy, indeed!

7. Test your installation of the car seat by lightly pushing on the top of the car seat. The car seat should NOT easily rotate down.

7. gently test you on your stroller seat car seat installation. Car seats should not be easy to swing down. (Chinese [simplified])

Oh man, there is going to be a quiz?!? 

Beware the Smarties Bomb

Next I hear they are going to weaponize the Skittles rainbow :)

Harry Potter's a Real Smarties Pants

Harry "Smarties Pants" Potter

Where's Geraldo?

Geraldo Rivera reporting at the 1912 Democratic National Convention? (click to enlarge)

The Death of Indiana Jones and Other News That Wasn't

The following are imagined news stories relating the saga of what would have happened if certain famous movie characters had not managed to follow a convoluted series of events or get out of impossible situations.

Indiana Jones
BEDFORD, CONNECTICUT—The Chancellor of Marshall College announced today that Dr. Henry Walton "Indiana" Jones, Professor of Archaeology, was killed during an expedition to Peru in an attempt to find the Golden Idol of Fertility, which is thought to be in the lost Temple of the Cachapoyan Warriors. Jones's remains were found in a remote part of the Peruvian jungle, apparently having been crushed by an enormous ball of stone. Local officials, who were not informed of the expedition and believe Jones to have been attempting to smuggle cultural artifacts out of the country illegally, consider the matter closed. Jock Lindsey, a pilot who had been chartered to take Jones in and out of Peru and who had witnessed the grisly scene, told reporters that it appeared to him that the ball of stone had emanated from a cavern that Jones had been exploring. He also indicated that the ball of stone seemed to be man-made. Peruvian authorities have closed off the area, and no further expeditions will be allowed.

Star Wars
TATOOINE—Tusken raider attacks have become even more brazen this past week, with an attack on the moisture farm of Owen Lars. His charred remains, along with those of his wife Beru Lars and their nephew Luke Skywalker, were found at their homestead yesterday. Recently, authorities had also discovered a Jawa droid transport that had been brutally attacked, with the entire Jawa crew slaughtered. In response, the Hutts promised a crackdown on the Tusken to ensure the safety of the cities and outlying communities.

CORUSCANT—The Emperor has announced that the so-called rebellion has been utterly destroyed. A stronghold of rebel forces on one of Yavin's moons was destroyed. No details of the battle were provided to reporters, but survivors have been taken into custody. Public hearings and executions are scheduled for later this week..

Harry Potter
The Daily Prophet has reported that tragedy struck at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry last night. It appears that the Boy Who Lived, Harry Potter, along with two other students, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger, were killed by a troll that had rampaged through the school until the school's faculty were able to subdue the creature outside one of the lavatories. Just how the troll was able to get onto school grounds is being investigated by the Ministry of Magic. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore could not be reached for comment at this time, however eyewitnesses have attested to the Headmaster being particularly despondent over the tragedy.

Superman
METROPOLIS—General Zod, the new ruler of the Earth, has announced to the world that Kal-El, son of Jor-El, known to humanity as Superman, has been executed. General Zod revealed that Superman had secretly been living as Clark Kent, reporter for the Daily Planet. Reportedly, Superman had permanently renounced his powers in order to be with Lois Lane, his partner at the Planet. General Zod had lured Superman from hiding by capturing Lane from the Daily Planet offices. Superman later attempted to intervene on Lane's behalf but was captured in the process. He, along with Lane, were then summarily executed on national television.

Tobacco Terminology Truthiness

The following are all species and varieties of the tobacco plant. Only the common names and warnings have been changed to protect the infamous.

Scientific Name	Common Name	Warning
Nicotiana acuminate	dullard’s tobacco	Provides greater acumen (not)
Nicotiana alata	overboard tobacco	Makes you smoke a lot
Nicotiana attenuate	not-so-hot tobacco	Reduces your effectiveness
Nicotiana clevelandii	Cleveland tobacco	Makes you think you live in Cleveland
Nicotiana excelsior	bad-move tobacco	Makes you call your ex on their cell phone
Nicotiana forgetiana	whatchamacallit tobacco	Makes you, um, something . . . what was the question?
Nicotiana glauca	blind tobacco	Gives you glaucoma
Nicotiana glutinosa	way-too-much tobacco	Makes you a glutton
Nicotiana langsdorffii	Langsdorff's tobacco	Makes you want to be named Langsdorff
Nicotiana longiflora	fainting tobacco	Makes you lie down on a long floor
Nicotiana obtusifolia	thick-headed tobacco	Makes you obtuse
Nicotiana obtusifolia var. obtusifolia	super-thick-headed tobacco	Makes you really, really obtuse
Nicotiana obtusifolia var. palmeri	thick-headed palming tobacco	Makes you so obtuse you think you are a sleight-of-hand artist
Nicotiana paniculata	ack! tobacco	Makes you panic
Nicotiana plumbaginifolia	Tex-Mex tobacco	Insert your own joke here, this is for real
Nicotiana quadrivalvis	cardio tobacco	Makes you eligible for quadruple bypass surgery
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. bigelovii	cardiologist-retirement-fund tobacco	Makes you eligible for quadruple bypass surgery with all the extras
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. quadrivalvis	relapsed cardio tobacco	Makes you eligible for a second quadruple bypass surgery
Nicotiana quadrivalvis var. wallacei	Wallace’s cardio tobacco	Makes you delirious thinking you are Wallace from Wallace from Gromit
Nicotiana repanda	China zoo tobacco	Makes you want to revisit pandas
Nicotiana rustica	rustic tobacco	Makes you think you live in the country
Nicotiana suaveolens	shampoo tobacco	Makes you need Suave for oily hair
Nicotiana sylvestris	Sylvester’s tobacco	Makes you want to eat talking canaries
Nicotiana tabacum	kitten's tobacco	Makes you call for tabby cats
Nicotiana tomentosa	minty-breath tobacco	Makes you go find the nearest source of Mentos
Nicotiana trigonophylla var. trigonophylla	desert tobacco	Makes you like to do trigonometry again and again
Nicotiana velutina	translucent tobacco	Makes you want to make lots of tiny fancy invitations with vellum inserts
Nicotiana sanderae	carpenter’s tobacco	Makes you want to use a sander